The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
