So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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