Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
