Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
