I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
