Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
