i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
