So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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