I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
