id be glad to
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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