he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
