I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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