i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
