I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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