but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
