...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
