Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
