it was like eating out sand paper
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
