If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
