I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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