Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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