He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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