Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
