There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
