He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
