dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
