Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
