she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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