when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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