I wish I could teleport
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
