you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
