I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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