I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
