He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
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Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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