First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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