Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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