booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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