those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
