i jhust puked up my retainher.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
