Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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