I need to stop coming to work sober
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
