How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
