sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
