I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
