By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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