I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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