2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
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I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.