I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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