those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
