my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
What a dumb baby whore.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
