I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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