the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
