I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
