I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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