i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
