Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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