omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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