3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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