Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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