looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
