the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
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We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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