I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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