I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
