Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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