If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he thought i was a dude.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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